


All I Know Are Sad Songs

by sailortaire



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, you can feel your soulmate's emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-29 22:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6395803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailortaire/pseuds/sailortaire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Grantaire," he said, keeping his voice level.</p><p>Grantaire blinked stupidly, gazing at Enjolras before realising he was expected to reply.</p><p>"Do you want to go get some coffee with me?", Grantaire blurted out, paling as he saw Enjolras' face turn red. He felt a wave of nausea come over him, and he shifted nervously on his feet. "Nevermind.", he muttered, "I just really lo-like you, and I, um-"</p><p>"Grantaire," Enjolras said softly. "I don't want to date you." You deserve better than me, he wanted to say, but instead he just watched as Grantaire smiled weakly, nodding his head and walking away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enjolras

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kitkatkimble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitkatkimble/gifts).



Enjolras wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck, ignoring the tugging feeling of sadness he could sense from his soulmate. He always felt the sadness, had felt the sadness since he was a child. That was why he never could meet his soulmate; he would just make them even sadder. It didn’t matter that he felt lonely at night, without feeling the warmth of a body next to him in his bed. He wanted his soulmate, but he couldn’t have them. They were sad enough without Enjolras fucking them up.

There were some days, some nights, when Enjolras caught himself thinking of Grantaire. Grantaire, with his loud laugh and strong arms, Grantaire with his everything, so perfect, so off limits... Grantaire could never know how Enjolras felt about him. It was bad enough that Enjolras' soulmate was sad all the time; he didn't need the man he was in love with to be sad as well.

So he ignored Grantaire, pretended to not care about him, and always made sure Grantaire never saw him staring at his jaw, at his lips, at the crinkling around his eyes when he smiled. He wanted to make Grantaire smile, but he had told himself a thousand times that he shouldn't. Grantaire was off limits; Enjolras had decided that the very second they had met. Grantaire deserve someone perfect, like him. Not a man who was angry at the world and scared of himself.

Enjolras sighed, watching his breath in the cold air.

He straightened his posture as he heard someone approach him from behind, turning around and seeing-

"Grantaire," he said, keeping his voice level.

Grantaire blinked stupidly, gazing at Enjolras before realising he was expected to reply.

"Do you want to go get some coffee with me?", Grantaire blurted out, paling as he saw Enjolras' face turn red. He felt a wave of nausea come over him, and he shifted nervously on his feet. "Nevermind.", he muttered, "I just really lo-like you, and I, um-"

"Grantaire," Enjolras said softly. "I don't want to date you." _You deserve better than me_ , he wanted to say, but instead he just watched as Grantaire smiled weakly, nodding his head and walking away.  
  
_It was for the best_ , he told himself later, wrapped up in his blankets in his bed. He tried to ingore the twisted feeling of dispair deep inside him, tugging at the string that connected him to his soulmate.

He couldn't. He couldn't ignore the pain seeping out of him, trapped underneath his skin.

Enjolras tried breathing in, holding it in, breathing out, but he couldn't. He couldn't hold his breath when he couldn't breathe in the first place, could he?

He scratched at his arms, trying to calm down. It didn't work, so he scratched harder, trying to focus on the pain instead of the the thick feeling of hate inside himself; hate for himself, but it wasn't him, it was his _soulmate_ , and that was worse, oh **God-**

He dug his nails into his skin, breathing deeply as he felt a wetness.

Blood.

That was okay, he was okay, he could deal with blood, he bled every month, didn't he?

He got up to wash the blood off of himself, remade the bed with new sheets, crawled into bed, and hoped the scratch marks would scar.


	2. Grantaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew Enjolras pretended not to have had just been staring at him, he knew how Enjolras looked at him when he thought no one was looking, had been told that Enjolras was fighting being in love with him, was hiding it from himself, from his friends, from their friends...

Grantaire stumbled into his house, trying to breathe with the pain in his soulmate; he could feel their sadness, like something horrible had happened to them.

Grantaire hated himself. Whatever had happened, it had to have been his fault, somehow. Everything was his fault.

He felt like his heart was being crushed inside his chest-

'"I don't want to date you."', Enjolras had said with sad eyes, eyes that screamed **_lying lying, I'm lying, pretend you believe me, believe me._ **

But why was Enjolras lying? Why would Enjolras lie to him?

He knew Enjolras pretended not to have had just been staring at him, he knew how Enjolras looked at him when he thought no one was looking, had been told that Enjolras was fighting being in love with him from his friends, from their friends...

He screamed out loud as he felt a pain in his arms, like he was bleeding out from them, like he was trying to rip his soul out from them.

It was pain, all pain; worse than the pain he had felt from Enjolras' lie earlier.

What was his soulmate fucking _doing?_ It felt like, like-

Cutting. His soulmate was cutting.

_Why why why why why cutting cutting cutting-_

Grantaire ripped off his shirt and his binder as he crawled into bed, rubbing his arms and hoping that his soulmate was okay.

He had always felt shame from his soulmate, had felt it since he was a child; but why?

He felt like his soulmate's guilt and shame and sadness was his fault, it had to be.

That's why he had never, ever, ever tried to find his soulmate. Surely, if he ever met his soulmate he would fuck it up, would make them even guiltier and sadder, because who wouldn't feel guiltier and sadder when their soulmate's life was so fucked up?

The pain in his arms stopped, and Grantaire stared at his arms. They were still brown, even though he was sure they should be cracked and split open and stained with red.

He took a deep breath, wrapping his sheets around him and falling into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! The next chapter will wrap everything up!


	3. Enjolras & Grantaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Enjolras, I know," Grantaire said.
> 
> "Know what?" Enjolras snapped. "That you don't know how to handle a rejection?"
> 
> Grantaire had the audacity to laugh, and Enjolras stared at him. 
> 
> Did he know? Did he know that Enjolras was in love with him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *magically appears out of nowhere with superglue* okay let's fix this

Enjolras woke up to a loud banging noise.

He sat up slowly, realizing that it was coming from the door.

He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. Three am. Great.

Enjolras sighed, getting up from bed and putting a shirt on before padding to the door.

He opened the door, ready to yell the hell out of whoever the fuck was on the other side.

Enjolras was straightening up, tensing his muscles and opening his mouth in preparation for the yelling, when he saw who was there, staring at him.  
  
"Grantaire," Enjolras said, trying not to growl ( _yes,_ he'd done it a couple of times, and _no,_ he wasn't a werewolf,  Combeferre), "what are you doing at my apartment at three in the morning?"

"I just wanted to check if you were okay," Grantaire said.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Enjolras asked wearily, trying and failing to maintain his resting bitch face.

"Enjolras, I know," Grantaire said.

"Know what?" Enjolras snapped. "That you don't know how to handle a rejection?"

Grantaire had the audacity to laugh, and Enjolras stared at him.

Why didn't he react like he was offended? Shouldn't that have offended him? Enjolras had said that meaning for it to be offensive, so why wasn't Grantaire offended?

Enjolras' heart skipped a beat as a horrible thought popped into his mind.

He knew? Know what- that Enjolras was in love with him? That Enjolras had pushed him away because he had already failed his soulmate, he didn't need to fail the man he was in love with-

 _Oh my God,_ Enjolras thought, _I'm fucking in love with him. I'm in love with him and he-_

Did he know?

Grantaire had the audacity to laugh, and Enjolras stared at him.  
  
Did he know? Did he know that Enjolras was in love with him?

"I know you're my soulmate," Grantaire said.

Enjolras froze, and he put on a mask of no emotion, one he had practiced in the mirror when he was a child, after his parents had **yelled** and **yelled** and **yelled**...

"I'm not your soulmate," Enjolras said harshly. "Why would you think that? It's ridiculous, do you even have any proof?"

"Citation," Grantaire said, gently nudging Enjolras backwards through the apartment door as he shut the door behind them, "yesterday, when you tried to break my heart, you broke yours, and I felt it."

Enjolras laughed silently. "My heart's not broken," he whispered, "I didn't break my own heart."

"You did, Enjolras, and I'll prove it," Grantaire said.

"How?" Enjolras asked.

He wasn't broken, he was not broken.

Grantaire had not broken him.

"Hey," Grantaire said softly, reaching out slowly and brushing his fingers against Enjolras' jaw. "Don't be scared."

"I'm not scared, you can't feel that, you can't feel me, you can't..." Enjolras trailed off as he felt a tug on his soulmate bond.

Love, it was _love,_ the kind of love that made you feel warm inside, that makes you feel like climbing into your bed after having just changed the sheets and taken a shower, like, like understanding, understanding that he was the way he was for a reason, and Grantaire wouldn't want him any other way, that Grantaire didn't see him as broken, but as permanent and unswaying as the tide washing away words on the sand, _Grantaire-_

 _Oh my God,_ Enjolras mouthed, his voice failing him as he realized that his soulmate bond had matured, that he could feel their thoughts now, not just their emotions, oh my God, it was Grantaire, he had hurt Grantaire, he was a fucking failure, he had hurt the man he loved, because he couldn't keep anything good, he never could.

"Stop," Grantaire said. "You didn't hurt me. If you hadn't done what you did I wouldn't have realized what we have."

"But I'm no good for you," Enjolras said, "I- I don't want sex, and I'm trans, you don't want me, so just-"

"Enjolras," Grantaire said, laughing, "I'm trans, too, and I don't want sex either."

"I'm depressed," Enjolras said quickly.

"So am I," Grantaire countered.

"I hurt myself to make myself feel better," Enjolras said.

"So did I," Grantaire said, rolling up the sleeve of his right arm and showing Enjolras the scars on it.

Enjolras touched them softly, looking up at Grantaire's face, into his eyes.

"I'm in love with you," he said.

"So am I," Grantaire said, and leaned down to close the gap between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel abt the ending but?? !!!!! It's cute so... lol.


End file.
